In Candeo's full recovery training program, our Students learn about the brain science behind human sexual process. To describe what happens in the brain during sexual activity, we use the illustration of a “funnel” which looks like an hour glass. Whenever we become sexual, the brain travels as it were into the funnel where it immediately begins narrowing its focus with the aid of powerful neuro-chemicals. The brain continues down into the funnel, until it reaches the very narrowest part which is sexual climax. Following that crescendo, the brain emerges from the narrow part of the funnel and returns to its normal, wide perspective. 

In the Candeo training, Students learn about The Funnel and The Narrowing Process, both from the perspective of a healthy sexual relationship and the experience of pornographic process. Thus there is a “healthy sexuality funnel” and a “pornography funnel.” While the neuro-chemical and brain processes are very similar in both of these funnels, the results when one emerges from each funnel is very different. 

In addition to the mentally/emotionally healthy vs. unhealthy aspects of each funnel, there is another important aspect to the Tale of the Two Funnels—the male and female brains are structured differently, causing men and women to approach and respond differently in the funnel.

As you read through this article, take time to think of experiences in your own relationship when you have seen these differences manifested. Also pay attention to how you believe pornographers exploit men and women according to their unique brain characteristics.
Men and Women Are Different    

Although what follows has been meticulously gathered from the research and writings of leading scientists and psychologists, it is by no means a hard and fast rule or description of every man and every woman. Each person is different and unique. 

However, the facts clearly bear out that for nearly all men and women there are significant differences between the male and female brain. This means that, in most cases, men and women do not behave, feel, think or respond in the same ways, either on the inside or in their outside behavior. Recently, while teaching a marital relations workshop, I asked the audience, “By a show of hands, how many would agree that men and women don't always think alike?” Every hand immediately shot up, at which, one woman blurted out, “Do they ever?” 

Women are “Web-Thinkers” and
Men are “Step-Thinkers”
 
Helen Fisher in her book The First Sex, refers to women as using “web thinking,” as opposed to the “step thinking” men are usually engaged in. Women place an emphasis on the “whole,” while males focus primarily on the “parts” of the whole. It's female multi-tasking vs. male's do-one-thing-at-a-time mentality.¹  
 
One example of this single tasking vs. multi-tasking difference is in communication. Nothing amazes me more than watching a group of women talk to each other—all at once! From the male brain perspective this is incomprehensible. When men talk, they take turns: “Go ahead, and when you're done let me know so I can talk.” Once, after observing my wife and her friends engage in this female phenomenon, I tested her: “I know you couldn't hear everything that was being said—you were all faking it.” To my dismay, she was able to recount details of the entire conversation for me! Searching for a simple comparison that everyone can relate to, some scientists refer to the narrowing/single-tasking male brain as a “meat cleaver,” as opposed to the holistic/multi-tasking female brain as more like a “Swiss Army Knife,” with its many attachments. I like to think of women as having a giant satellite dish on their heads, spinning around, taking everything in.

These differences center around how men and women use the right and left hemispheres of their brains. The male brain is narrow and highly specialized; the right side of the brain is used for visual activities, the left for verbal. Women, in contrast, employ both sides of their brains for verbal and visual activities.

Some scientists have suggested that because both visual capability and emotions are bundled together exclusively in the right hemisphere of the male brain, the key perceptual sense in the male is vision. Dr. Judith Reisman has noted that this male dependence on the right hemisphere causes men to respond to visual stimuli with more vigor and speed than females.² This partly explains why the primary market for pornographic images has been male.

Females, on average, use more of their brain space for specific activities, while men use far less. And women employ a greater spectrum of the brain, while men rely more on a specific area of either hemisphere. This results in men naturally focusing narrowly on an issue, while women more naturally see the big picture. Men are able to focus on an issue and be less distracted by anything superfluous going on around them. Ever see a man glued to the TV or the sports page, seemingly oblivious to the chaos around him?³ 

Men tend to be more analytical, extracting the essential from the circumstantial detail: “Just the facts, ma'am, just the facts.” Women, in contrast, take in the larger picture. They're concerned with context, just as men are forever trying to ignore it for the sake of something they can abstract from it. It's a standoff between brain hemisphere-specific focus vs. wide, hemisphere-diffused focus.⁴
    
The Corpus Callosum

One body of evidence explains male/female brain differences by examining the corpus callosum, the bundle of some two hundred million fibers that link the left and right sides of the brain. These nerve fibers allow for the interchange of information between the brain's two halves. In the female brain, the corpus callosum is different than in that of the male. In blind tests on fourteen brains obtained after autopsy, scientists found that in women an important area of the corpus callosum was thicker and more bulbous than in men. Overall, this key message-exchange center was bigger (in relation to overall brain weight) in women.⁵ (Some studies indicate that the corpus callosum may be up to three times larger by weight and density in the female brain than in the male.⁶)
The hemispheres of a woman's brain share a larger number of connections, suggesting a greater exchange of information between the two sides. Also, more total brain space has been reserved for everyday activities, so that the information she is receiving from the outside world is processed by a much larger portion of her brain.⁷

In general, women are better at recognizing the emotional nuances in voice, gesture and facial expression, and at interpreting the whole range of sensory information. They can deduce more from such information because they have a greater capacity than men to integrate and cross-relate verbal and visual information, giving credence to woman's intuition or the sixth sense some claim women own.⁸

Men keep their emotions in check by relying on their right-brain thinking, while their power to express feelings in speech resides in the left hemisphere. Because the two halves of their brains are connected by a smaller number of fibers than those of women, the flow of information between one side of the brain and the other is more restricted.⁹ Since information is flowing less easily to the verbal, left side of his brain, it is often more difficult for a man to express his emotions. 

Men Concentrate More Narrowly,
While Women See the Big Picture

Studies show that men concentrate more intently on a narrower range of items; they are capable of ignoring distractions because, with a specific part of their brain strictly focused on the task at hand, they are deaf and blind to distractions around them.¹⁰

Contrarily, psychologists report that women more regularly think contextually; they take a more “holistic” view of the issue at hand. That is, they integrate more details of the world around them, details ranging from the nuances of body posture to the positioning of objects in the room.¹¹

Men are good at compartmentalizing their attention. Just ask a man reading the newspaper a simple question; often he doesn't even consciously hear you. When he does, he appears to rouse himself as if returning from a different planet. Men tend to tune out extraneous stimuli. Their thinking process is, on average, more channeled.¹²

Women, though, are prone to the opposite. “Whatever they do, even just wiggling their thumbs, women activate more neurons in the brain,” reports neuropsychiatrist Mark George of the Medical University of South Carolina. “When a male puts his mind to work, brain scans show neurons turning on in highly specific areas. When females set their minds on similar tasks, so many brain cells light up that their bright-colored brain scans glow like Las Vegas at night.”¹³

Testosterone vs. Estrogen—
Another Key Male/Female Difference

Testosterone, the aggression and dominance hormone, is also the sex hormone, both in men and women. It is the key sexual activator for both sexes.¹⁴ Women who lose their ovaries (which produce female hormones) still retain their full capacity for sexual arousal. At menopause, when the ovaries shut down the production of female hormones, women do not lose their appetite for sex, rather it is fueled by testosterone instead. But if they lose the adrenal gland, which produces and controls the flow of testosterone, their libido collapses. It can, however, be restored by testosterone injections.

There are two important differences, however, in how testosterone affects men vs. women. First, a man's brain is better attuned to the effects of testosterone upon it, quite simply because it has been so made through the impact of testosterone in the womb. Secondly, after puberty, a man has 20 times more of the substance in his body than does a woman.¹⁵    

Testosterone has been shown to have a significant effect on the male brain, a clinical fact that has been well documented. It is a hormone which seems to make the male brain less liable to fatigue, more single-minded.
By nature, as we have seen, the male brain can more narrowly focus on a specific issue, subject or goal, as well as latch on to that focus more swiftly than the female brain. Testosterone takes the already narrowing male brain and magnifies the narrowing tendency and capacity even further!¹⁶
Testosterone also gives the male brain the ability to focus intensely and narrowly on specific issues and interests for long periods of time without tiring. ¹⁷
By contrast, we have discussed how the female brain is more diffused and operates on a wide rather than a narrow scale. Just as testosterone further narrows an already narrow male brain, estrogen, the primary female hormone, actually increases the female brain's diffusing or broadening capability.
In her book The First Sex, Helen Fisher writes: “Estrogen builds more dendrite projections or spines on each nerve cell, thereby increasing the number of connecting links between nerve cells. Hence, estrogen facilitates the flow of information among neurons.”¹⁸

The female brain already owns more communication channels between the two hemispheres than does the male brain. With the addition of estrogen in the female brain, these connections are even more substantial.
In a word, testosterone takes an already narrowing male brain and narrows it even further. Estrogen further diffuses an already expanded female brain. 
 
Two Magnificent Brains Become One 

It is clear that man and woman were meant to be together—not in spite of our differences, but because of them. Ponder for a moment, the incredible strengths of these two wonderful brains. One has the natural, built-in structural and chemical makeup that enables it to narrow tirelessly on a single goal with determination and total focus until it is accomplished, only to then fixate on the next objective and the next. The other possesses the wondrous ability to constantly see the big picture; to take in, consider and assess all that is going on around it; to perform various tasks at once based on this wide perspective. 
Now imagine what happens when these two brains, which seem to be at polar opposites, are suddenly combined together in a wondrous partnership—WOW! What an awesome and unbeatable combination—different, but completely compatible, if we are willing to work at it. 

My wife and I have fun with our “brain differences.” Sometimes when I am so narrowed and fixated on a problem and one perceived solution that I can't see any other options, I'll call out to her, “Honey, can I plug into that amazing female brain of yours so I can get a bigger perspective on this?” I envision stretching a computer cable from the back of my head and plugging it into hers, and suddenly I can see the world through her brain! Actually, I describe my dilemma to her and she gives me feedback. Without a doubt I can tell you that when it comes to our partnership, two brains are infinitely better than one.     

I hope you can use this understanding of male and female brain differences for two purposes:

1.  How do pornographers exploit male and female brain tendencies in the ways they design and market their wares to each? Why are men generally more susceptible to porn addiction? How can you harness and direct the unique abilities and strengths of your male or female brain to break out of destructive habits and achieve your greatest desires in life?  2.  Knowing the differences, how can you bring the best of both brains together for a happy, harmonious, successful relationship? 

 

For More Information:

If you want to learn more about the Brain Science of Porn Addiction, and how to protect your marriage and family from this addiction, get Mark Kastleman's acclaimed book, “The Drug of the New Millennium.” You can purchase it online at Amazon.com.
If you or someone you love is trapped in pornography use, please visit www.candeocan.com to learn how to break free. 

 
Chapter Notes
1. Helen Fisher, The First Sex, Random House, 1999, p. 8 
2. Dr. Judith Reisman, Soft Porn Plays Hardball, Huntington House Publishers, Lafayette, Louisiana, 1991, p. 21
3. Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex, Ibid.
4. Ibid., p. 170
5. Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex, Ibid., p. 47
6. From the teachings of Dr. Page Bailey, The Page Bailey Institute International, Behaviorally related programs and tutorial services, Portland,OR offices: 503-775-7668
7. Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex, Ibid., p. 47, and HelenFisher, The First Sex, Ibid., p. 15
8. Ibid., (Brain Sex) p. 48 
9. Ibid.
10. Ibid., p. 170
11. Helen Fisher, The First Sex, Ibid., p. 5
12. Ibid.
13. Diane Hales, Just Like a Woman, Bantam Books, 1999, p. 244
14. Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex:, Ibid., p. 103
15. Ibid.
16. Anne Moir & David Jessel, Brain Sex, Ibid., p. 96
17. Ibid., p. 95
18. Helen Fisher, The First Sex, Ibid., p. 62

“No one would ever see a drunk, passed out in the gutter, and say, ‘There lies a perfectionist!' But that's exactly what I was! If I couldn't do life perfectly, then I wouldn't bother even trying.”


These were the words of a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, describing himself before he was “restored to sanity” by the principles and practices of humility contained in the Twelve Steps. 

The following comments were sent to me by a dear friend. See if they ring true in your life experience.

Perfectionism Is At the Core of Almost All Addictive Behavior
I know it sounds like a glaring contradiction, a cruel paradox, but it's absolutely true—most addicts are obsessed with perfection! They perceive that in order to be of any real value; to be loved and accepted, they have to be perfect. And when the pursuit of perfection wears them out, they seek escape through addiction. This then piles on the guilt and shame, and once again they clinch their fists and grit their teeth and start the whole perfection thing again—and so goes the cycle, over and over again. 

I think we react so negatively and mercilessly to imperfection in ourselves and others because we have fallen for a lie that suggests there can be no allowance for learning by our own mistakes. We are constantly shaming and blaming ourselves for not being perfect and we are filled with disgust toward anything less-than-perfect about ourselves or the world around us.

If you think about it, this is really a kind of “perfection idolatry”—worshipping perfection as the only way we can be valuable, loveable or “good enough.” The irony is that this harsh and unreasonable approach to ourselves and others, only separates us from God, others and ourselves. The fact is, our chance to experience imperfection in this life is exactly the way God intended it to be. 

I couldn't agree with my friend more! She is absolutely right--perfectionism often triggers and fuels addictive behavior. Many of us (I suffered with this for 30 years and I still feel the residue) believe that if we do "everything perfect" then maybe, just maybe we will be "good enough" for God and others to accept us. 

When we set total "perfection" as the daily level of performance we "must" attain to be acceptable to ourselves, God and others, we set ourselves up for failure. Why? Because we have placed a rigid, unreasonable, unattainable burden on our own back that we can only bear for so long until it wears us out. And, it also wears out those around us because we often require the same level of perfection from them as well. Then, when we are exhausted--physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, our "perfectionist--all-or-nothing" attitude says, "If I can't be perfect, then why try?" So, we seek out self-medication to help sooth our feelings of unworthiness, shame and guilt--and to simply have an outlet and get a reprieve from our internal "merciless dictator/critic." If we don't release in this way, we will simply collapse under all the pressure. 

Then, after we escape and self-medicate (which comes in many forms including substance abuse, pornography, food, anger, depression, as well as outlets that are neutral or even healthy) we feel "guilty" for failing to pursue perfection so we start the whole process over again. 

The grand key is to realize that there is only one overriding feeling we should have for ourselves and others—unconditional love. Our Creator's love for us is completely unconditional—we cannot earn it, nor can we make ourselves unworthy of it. It is always there, unconditional and constant. 

With UNCONDITIONAL LOVE as the motive and fuel for everything we do, we realize that we and all of us are in this life to learn by our own experience, by our own trial and error. And hopefully, over time, baby-step by baby-step, we are “becoming” better at choosing that is which is good; that which is light and love. 

If you go back to the origins of the word "perfect," it means "complete" or "whole." Each of us has our own unique potential--our own place of "completeness" to be evolving toward. It is a process of making mistakes, learning from them and moving forward. In some things, it may take us 763 of the same mistake before we finally say "I get it! I'm ready to move on!" Does that make us evil, hopeless, flawed or "not one of the good ones"?  Of course not—it makes us “human.” It's called "life." 

Does all of this mean we shouldn't try to improve. Certainly not. But, we would all do well to lighten up and be far more gentle, forgiving and compassionate with ourselves and each other. Amidst all our noble efforts to learn and grow and overcome, let's not forget to notice and embrace all of the simple joys and wonders along the way. 

For More Information:
If you want to learn more about the Brain Science of Porn Addiction, and how to protect your marriage and family from this addiction, get Mark Kastleman's acclaimed book, “The Drug of the New Millennium.” You can purchase it online at Amazon.com.
If you or someone you love is trapped in pornography use, please visit www.candeocan.com to learn how to break free.  

If you've been reading our Candeo articles or listening to our podcasts, you know that one of our areas of intense focus is the “brain science” behind pornography addiction. In our full recovery training program, we explore this brain science in great detail. We look at questions like: How does pornography viewing alter the physical and chemical structure of the brain? How does addiction circuitry develop in the brain and why does it have such a radical impact on human behavior? Once this addiction circuitry is formed, how does one shrink this circuitry, build new healthy circuitry and return to healthy behaviors?

            The ability to overcome addiction is built into the very structure of the brain itself. It simply requires an understanding of how the brain works and how to harness and direct its power for change. 

            The human brain has amazed and baffled people throughout the ages. Some scientists and researchers have devoted their entire lives to learning how the brain works. Here are some facts about your brain that you may not know:

Physical Attributes

•      The weight of your brain is about 3 pounds.

•      Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain.

•      Your brain is made up of about 75 percent water.

•      Your brain consists of about 100 billion neurons.

•      There are anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 synapses for each neuron.

•      There are no pain receptors in your brain, so your brain can feel no pain.

•      There are 100,000 miles of blood vessels in your brain.

•      Your brain is the fattest organ in your body and may consists of at least 60 percent fat.

The Developing Brain

•      At birth, your brain was almost the same as an adult brain and contained most of the brain cells for your whole life.

•      A newborn baby's brain grows about three times its in the first year.

•      Humans continue to make new neurons throughout life in response to mental activity.

•      The first sense to develop while in utero is the sense of touch. The lips and cheeks can experience touch at about 8 weeks and the rest of the body around 12 weeks.

Brain Function

•      Your brain uses 20 percent of the total oxygen in your body.

•      If your brain loses blood for 8 to 10 seconds, you will lose consciousness.

•      While awake, your brain generates between 10 and 23 watts of power -- or enough energy to power a light bulb.

•      The old adage of humans only using 10% of their brain is not true. Every part of the brain has a known function.

•      The brain can live for 4 to 6 minutes without oxygen, and then it begins to die. No oxygen for 5 to 10 minutes will result in permanent brain damage.

•      A study of 1 million students in New York showed that students who ate lunches that did not include artificial flavors, preservatives, and dyes did 14 percent better on IQ tests than students who ate lunches with these additives.

Psychology of Your Brain

•      You can't tickle yourself because your brain distinguishes between unexpected external touch and your own touch.

•      There is a class of people known as supertasters who not only have more taste buds on their tongue, but whose brain is more sensitive to the tastes of foods and drinks. In fact, they can detect some flavors that others cannot.

•      The connection between body and mind is a strong one. One estimate is that between 50-70 percent of visits to the doctor for physical ailments are attributed to psychological factors.

Memory

•      Every time you recall a memory or have a new thought, you are creating a new connection in your brain.

•      Memories triggered by scent have a stronger emotional connection, and therefore appear more intense than other memory triggers.

•      While you sleep at night may be the best time for your brain to consolidate all your memories from the day. Lack of sleep may actually hurt your ability to create new memories.

Dreams and Sleep

•      Most people dream about 1-2 hours a night and have an average of 4-7 dreams each night.

•      Studies show that brain waves are more active while dreaming than when you are awake.

•      Some people (about 12 percent) dream only in black and white while others dream in color.

•      While you sleep, your body produces a hormone that may prevent you from acting out your dreams, leaving you virtually paralyzed.

Source: Nursing Assistant Central December 31, 2008 http://www.nursingassistantcentral.com/blog/2008/100-fascinating-facts-you-never-knew-about-the-human-brain/
 
For More Information:

If you want to learn more about the Brain Science of Porn Addiction, and how to protect your marriage and family from this addiction, get Mark Kastleman's acclaimed book, “The Drug of the New Millennium.” You can purchase it online at Amazon.com.

If you or someone you love is trapped in pornography use, please visitwww.candeocan.com to learn how to break free.